I have had this draft in the hopper for a few months.  I wanted to let it simmer and here it is, four months later and it’s about time to post it or delete it.

Well, I have to say the Nicaragua trip was amazing. Such a great trip that was truly good for the soul.  I had been in a dry season for some time.  Stuff in my past from getting let go from Spring of Life, and other issues had really bruised me for some time.  My care free confident life had honestly been shattered and the way I was making decisions was not the way God created me to be.

My devotional life had gone into autopilot.  I was doing them but not really getting anything out of them.  My joy for ministry had dropped.  In fact, my desire to sing and worship just hadn’t really been there for a while.  I’m not sure why.  I still was committed to God and loved Him, the feelings weren’t there.  The excitement for almost anything was not there as well.

Back to Nicaragua…switching gears from Los Angeles time to Nicaragua was very difficult.  I honestly remember resisting to the idea of resting and letting God just do something.  It took a day or so before I really just gave up and took a breath.  It was wonderful up there and I really was in the ministry mode of “Go Go Go” to even take it in.  And the children and people were also amazing.

I had done this in past trips.  I was so stressed about everything going right that I hurt others in the process.  The last “tent” trip in Mexico, the last CIY we went to I had almost a chip on my shoulder.  Perhaps I’ve always had a chip but I was angry and it wasn’t good.

Spending time with the HSM students, my friends Kozmo, Ian, and Jessica, and our awesome hosts there Doug and Julie was really good for me.  (I suppose the hammock time was pretty nice as well.)

Doug got out his guitar and started playing some old vineyard songs that I remember from college.  Turns out we both knew the guy who wrote “You are my Delight”.  In fact I was at the Boise Vineyard that night when they recorded that track.  It brought back a sense of peace and joy.  I felt like I wanted to worship again.  Not just live worship, but sing.

When I returned I found myself singing out loud once again.  And meaning what I sang, not just being an “example” for the other students.

I’m thankful for that experience.  I’m thankful to God that He allowed me to “feel” Him near.  Of course, He’s always there.  But there are times when we feel Him and times when we don’t.  The Psalms are clear on that when David felt alone and afar from God.

“Create in me a clean heart Oh God.  And renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation, and renew a right spirit within me.” – David

Today is a new day with new possibilities and new futures.  I know God is ahead of me leading the way.  There are times I hate being in the dark but I have faith that He has got a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.


~ by darthpastor on October 18, 2007.

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